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Smashed And Broken Heart Pictures
About a year ago, I went through one of the roughest times in my life. I've not really opened up with anyone about my break-up (except for a short interview by Ate Haydee on Family Matters back in Aug), so this is the first time I am openly talking, rather writing about it. I made a two-part series about this experience, the first article is more about what I FELT. I put them on paper the day after the break-up. While the second will tackle how I DEALT with that difficult stage.
Break-Up: Losing Someone You Love (Part 1)
Lj T. Salceda
Just when I thought things were going great (vacation plans set, flights ready to be booked and sked’s re-arranged); my world came to a halt and came crumbling down. I found myself back to the same path I know too well, but dreaded my entire life. My worst nightmare is happening right in front of my very eyes.
I just lost a dear friend- my best friend (just when I thought I finally have one), my confidante, my mentor, my cheerer, my sweetheart (so I thought.) Someone I cared so much and loved more than a friend. The past two and half years have been anything but easy; nonetheless I persisted, fought and did not give up on him, on us. I thought I've finally found someone I could trust with my secrets. Someone I could open up and talk about the mundane and important things in life- my day, my dreams, my struggles, my fears. Someone I could bare my heart and soul with and still love me for who I am. Someone who could protect me and be there during the up’s and down's. Now he’s gone.
There isn’t a word in the English, Tagalog or even Bicol dictionary that could describe what I’m going through right now. I am shattered. I am confused. I am crushed. I am infuriated. I feel worthless, scared, sad, betrayed and disappointed. Whoever said that there’s beauty in pain? Ah, I feel like my head is going to explode from all the questions waiting for answers. Why does life have to be so cruel? Why does it have to happen again? (After my parents separation.) Why him? Why me? And a million other questions.
Everything is a struggle now. Sleep has been elusive. Even eating is a chore. I refused to make new friends. I became more of a cynic and a skeptic of relationships. Screw love! Outside I’m composed and all smiles, but my core is a wreck. One moment I’m collected, a second after I’m having a breakdown inside the ladies' room. Now I understand why people jump off of buildings or turn to drugs or succumb to mental breakdown.
How could I even start to forget him when my surrounding reminds me so much of him? His pictures used to adorn my table. His voice served as my alarm clock. His messages kept me through a difficult day. His promises gave me hope. There’s the bookstore at the corner. The basketball court. The mall. Those darn love songs.
After all the waiting, the sacrifices, the prayers, the expenses – he’s gone. Perhaps it was my fault. Why did I give my heart, my trust, my love to him? I knew men were dorks! Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten into this in the first place. Why didn’t I end it when things got shaky and he got shady? Why didn’t I take the red-flags seriously? Obviously I didn’t, now I’m paying the price.
I will never be the same again. Maybe I still have lessons to learn. Maybe I wasn’t ready or mature as I thought I was. Maybe he wasn't THE man for me. Maybe it wasn't the right time yet. Maybe God has a better plan. Doesn’t He always have anyways?
I know there are no shortcuts to recovery, to healing, to moving on. Let me lament for now… I ought to choose the difficult part sooner than later. Forgive and let go. I’ve read this from somewhere “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” So please help me God…
“...He makes all things beautiful in His time."
Read Part 2 here.