Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Break-up: Losing Someone You Love (Part 1)

Smashed And Broken Heart

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Smashed And Broken Heart Pictures

About a year ago, I went through one of the roughest times in my life. I've not really opened up with anyone about my break-up (except for a short interview by Ate Haydee on Family Matters back in Aug), so this is the first time I am openly talking, rather writing about it. I made a two-part series about this experience, the first article is more about what I FELT. I put them on paper the day after the break-up. While the second will tackle how I DEALT with that difficult stage.


Break-Up: Losing Someone You Love (Part 1)
Lj T. Salceda


Just when I thought things were going great (vacation plans set, flights ready to be booked and sked’s re-arranged); my world came to a halt and came crumbling down. I found myself back to the same path I know too well, but dreaded my entire life. My worst nightmare is happening right in front of my very eyes.

I just lost a dear friend- my best friend (just when I thought I finally have one), my confidante, my mentor, my cheerer, my sweetheart (so I thought.) Someone I cared so much and loved more than a friend. The past two and half years have been anything but easy; nonetheless I persisted, fought and did not give up on him, on us. I thought I've finally found someone I could trust with my secrets. Someone I could open up and talk about the mundane and important things in life- my day, my dreams, my struggles, my fears. Someone I could bare my heart and soul with and still love me for who I am. Someone who could protect me and be there during the up’s and down's. Now he’s gone.

There isn’t a word in the English, Tagalog or even Bicol dictionary that could describe what I’m going through right now. I am shattered. I am confused. I am crushed. I am infuriated. I feel worthless, scared, sad, betrayed and disappointed. Whoever said that there’s beauty in pain? Ah, I feel like my head is going to explode from all the questions waiting for answers. Why does life have to be so cruel? Why does it have to happen again? (After my parents separation.) Why him? Why me? And a million other questions.

Everything is a struggle now. Sleep has been elusive. Even eating is a chore. I refused to make new friends. I became more of a cynic and a skeptic of relationships. Screw love! Outside I’m composed and all smiles, but my core is a wreck. One moment I’m collected, a second after I’m having a breakdown inside the ladies' room. Now I understand why people jump off of buildings or turn to drugs or succumb to mental breakdown.

How could I even start to forget him when my surrounding reminds me so much of him? His pictures used to adorn my table. His voice served as my alarm clock. His messages kept me through a difficult day. His promises gave me hope. There’s the bookstore at the corner. The basketball court. The mall. Those darn love songs.

After all the waiting, the sacrifices, the prayers, the expenses – he’s gone. Perhaps it was my fault. Why did I give my heart, my trust, my love to him? I knew men were dorks! Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten into this in the first place. Why didn’t I end it when things got shaky and he got shady? Why didn’t I take the red-flags seriously? Obviously I didn’t, now I’m paying the price.

I will never be the same again. Maybe I still have lessons to learn. Maybe I wasn’t ready or mature as I thought I was. Maybe he wasn't THE man for me. Maybe it wasn't the right time yet. Maybe God has a better plan. Doesn’t He always have anyways?

I know there are no shortcuts to recovery, to healing, to moving on. Let me lament for now… I ought to choose the difficult part sooner than later. Forgive and let go. I’ve read this from somewhere “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” So please help me God…

“...He makes all things beautiful in His time."

Read Part 2 here.

22 comments:

  1. Like the new template LJ and wow! Thanks for sharing this, I'm struggling on something like this too. Although I'm over my last boyfriend (2 and 1/2 years of romance, we were a very emotional couple and he also smothered me with gifts so I'm surrounded by his memories), I'm still struggling with fear of getting hurt again.

    Every time I get close to a guy friend, it freaks me out when i start feeling something and I start pushing away or I just go away.

    Looking forward to the second part. You're a blessing! HUG

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  2. Hi LJ...Heartbreak is sometimes a blessing in disguise...God is saving us from the wrong person..

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  3. Thanks Thess!

    Yeah, been there too. 2 and 1/2 din pala kayo. Halos ganun din kami.

    I know you're a strong girl. You're an inspiration. :)

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  4. Hi Ms. Law!

    I totally agree! Thanks for dropping by. :)

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  5. hi ate lj..be strong for there is reason why God let this happen to us.

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  6. Your blog made me cry LJ, but you're just opening up of what feel. it's okay AFTER THE STORM THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW, FULL OF COLORS, May God give you beautiful and colorful life. GOD BLESS YOU LJ.

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  7. LJ is soooo gooodo to me. Im so greatful to God for her. Her heart is so kind gentle and loving. I adore how God has made her

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  8. Anonymous 1 -> thank you for the reminder! :)

    Anonymous 2 -> sorry kapatid not my intention to make you cry, I hope they're tears of joy. bless you too! :)

    My gopher -> you're the best! - xoxo :)

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  9. I'll be reading this for this week's radio show.

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  10. forgive and forget. forgetting what is past and looking forward for what lies ahead GOd is always faithful

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  11. Hi LJ!
    I'm going through the same situation right now, pero wala akong mapagsabihan. Ilang beses ko na ring napagisipan na magsulat ng ganyan sa blog ko dahil wala akong mapagsabihan, kaya lang natakot akong baka mabasa "niya". Ayokong ipakita sa kanya na manbabaliw na ako. May pride din ako.

    Sa totoo lang, gusto ko talagang ipagsigawan kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman ko, pero di ko alam kung paano. Pero alam mo ba, nang mabasa ko itong article mo, para ko naring naibuga ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. It's very nice to know that I'm not the only one undergoing this torment. So ipagpe-pray kita at lahat ng mga heartbroken sa mundo. Pero siyempre ipagpray mo din ako ha?

    Thanks LJ. Godbless you and your blog!

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  12. Lj, why do i have the feeling that i have to share things to you? i think ALL relationships go through tough trials, d bottomline is, if you feel it is worth fighting for, keep giving chances. If not, letting go will keep US happier.

    i let go twice...but ididn't regret because i felt love, joy with the person i loved...familiar with the sayings, better loved and lost than to have never loved at all? go for it, love comes naturally...

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  13. i was been very interested on your blog to read yesterday.your blog is just the same with me now.actually Ive written a blog in my notebook but i dont want to write it in my FB.baka mabasa nya..

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  14. Gopher huh?...mine was a polar bear. Anyway, he sounds like a really amazing guy who appreciates you. God bless you both and be happy!

    And when is the second part going to come out?..lol..can't wait!

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  15. i could not related coz i haven't been to that situation. so i'd be cautious and entrust everything to God. Prepare my heart for things like this.

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  16. i've been there before too,that's why i know the feeling..it really hurts specially if the guy broke up with u for someone else..but he didn't end up with that girl..he doesn't know what he wants with his life..so many reasons that i don't wanna know anymore..its been months already..although we see each other weekly in the church..i already let go of him..we still talk but casually..i know God has better plans for both of us..

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  17. thanks that you share it..., i was also a broken hearted..., same as what you felt sis lj..., but what makes me smile in the midst of pain and heartache is the immesurreable love of God..., knowing that he knows so well what is best for me.., knowing that he had a great plan for my life and knowing that one day all the tears of pain and sorrow will be wipe away by HIM., i might cry for today, but God will comfort me, i might weak to handle the pain but God's strength is abundance..., we are still blessed because He doesnt want us to live with someone whom just gonna hurt us at the end..., one thing i just learn from my heartache is..., i should have not to give all the love to a mere human, but most of all i have give all the love that i have to God, to Christ because never that i got hurt... God bless to all broken hearted, crushed., Because God's hears us and he is near to us......

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  18. Thanks for the reminders/comments everyone! I've long moved on by God's grace. I just wanted to share my experience to help/inspire those who are also going through heartbreak. :)

    Ka Jerson -> good for you kapatid! keep it up! :)

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  19. Hi LJ,

    Well, maybe God wants you to meet a few wrong people, before meeting the right one.
    So that, maybe, when you finally meet the right one, it's all one good freshly baked relationship and its all yours.
    You're a blessing LJ! May God bless your heart.

    agnes b.

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  20. Hello Sis LJ!

    I was caught in another bitter sob today... Iam hoping, this could be the last after 11 long years.
    I had always thought, Iam over and done with this painful memories, I had always thought I was over him.
    Could it be unforgiveness? I knew very well, I had forgiven him already.
    I was going through your blog yesterday, I was so amazed at how you delath with the pain, I never thought you had once before. It was like a sharp object passing through old wounded heart. I have had journey through the toughest of my life 11 years ago. The man that Ithought would then be a husband and friend to me left me for another woman. I was left clinging to nothing, not a word heard, not even a hint on where am I to go or at least a closure for me would do. There were nightmares at waking hours, the feeling of having to go throught the reality of pain again. It was a long and tiring journey.
    There was attempt to give up my life back then, that was when I found the LORD. It was through FEBC DZAS in our province.
    Iam still single now, and I have always wanted to be married. Im afraid to give it a try. I still have the trauma in me, But I wanted so much to break free from this curse.
    I thank you for being our voice, thanks you for showing us courage to release in our own ways having to find the strnght in what you have shared.
    GOD bless you. It was such a relief to cry a good cry for two (2) days now.

    JANET

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  21. Agnes -> Thank you for the reminder!

    Janet -> I am not so sure if you want me to post your comment. Let me know if you want me to take it down. I feel your pain. Some people (like me) move on quite quickly, some takes a long time. Na-master ko na siguro because of what we went through as a family. I am praying for you kapatid. Don't linger on the pain/negative emotions too much (11 yrs is a looong time). You might be missing the man for you/opportunities because we hold on to something or someone that doesn't belong to us anymore. Learn to let go. Open up your heart/hands, so God can finally entrust to you what you've been waiting for. :)

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  22. Ruth Dizon SampangJuly 7, 2011 at 12:26 AM

    ate LJ, thanks for sharing this... And thank you po sa prayers ate... God bless you more...

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